I will be rising from the ground like a skyscraper

MENTAL HEALTH

I will be rising from the ground like a skyscraper

June 19, 2018

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CASEY MILANO

“You can take everything I have, you can break everything I am like I’m made of glass, like I’m made of paper, go on and try to tear me down I will be rising from the ground like a skyscraper”

I have those famous words of hope tattooed on my thigh – over numerous self- harm scars, a reminder that I can overcome anything. When I had it done I thought (or hoped) that they would somehow signify the end of my battle, I would never self-harm again, I would never relapse again. Boy was I wrong, I relapsed, and I would continue to do so again and again. The way I felt as the tattooist was going over the scar tissue was one I’ll remember forever, my skin, my being, the very essence of who I am was far stronger than I ever thought possible, those very feelings were brought back to me as I sat on my bed slashing my arm after receiving the news that a friend of mine had achieved a job that I had always wanted, perhaps not more so than in that very moment. I had then heard a bird singing right outside my window, it was loud, almost like it wanted to draw my attention. It did, and I looked down to see spots of blood landing on the lyrics. 

Yes, it may sound crazy, but that bird saved my life that day, it jolted me back to reality, reminding me that there was still a life to left to live, people yet to love and birdsong yet to hear. Sorry reader – back to my point. I will never stop relapsing but at 19 I thought I knew better as most 19-year olds do. Though I haven’t self-harmed over the tattoo I’ve certainly decorated around it, and every time a twinge of guilt hits me as I’m ashamed that the lyrics didn’t work, I still turn to this vice whenever life becomes too much. I’m more ashamed that I’m doing it, that I’m a cliché – a self-harmer crying out for attention, I am not what I portray to friends and social media. I have mental issues. (you have no idea how long it took me to type that).  From depression, to bulimia all the way down to severe anger issues I have a lot of bases covered and if I look back to where it stared I couldn’t give you a specific time, only sparse memories of emotional abuse, self-hatred at 8 years old, depression at 11 years old and my first diet at 12 years old. Mental illness has not only been my enemy but also my safety net for years, I literally grew up with it knowing nothing different, I knew it wasn’t normal but at the same time it was comforting, and I fell for what mental illness and addiction disguises themselves as – safety, love, escape. I was naive, but I know that without the safe bubble depression provided I would have killed myself long before. (you wanted honesty, right?) mental illness is lover whilst it also tries to kill you (at least that’s how it feels sometimes). Depression, eating disorders and later self-harm were all my friends, they set me apart from everyone else whist also giving me an identity, I wasn’t fond of school, kids my age didn’t interest me much, but I had another world that protected me from the realities of a difficult life but also isolated me to the point that when I had to enter the world I had no idea how to do so.  Mental illness is indescribable to someone who has never experienced it, its misunderstood, brushed under the carpet even in 2018 so when society wonders why people don’t go for help, why people feel ashamed, I and others like myself could have told them the answer all along – THE STIGMA NEVER ENDS. It is there, from the doctor’s office to the look in your parents’ eyes when they finally realise their child isn’t ‘normal’. Society judges mental illness, you reading this now judge mental illness, no I hear you say? What did you think when you read my experience? When you read that a 26-year-old woman finds peace in self-mutilation? Exactly. Even I judge mental illness – none worse than my own. And that is why people still find asking for help almost impossible, nobody wants to be seen as unstable in any shape or form especially in these already unstable times.  

Tell someone you have an illness that dictates everything from if you can make long term plans to what you’re going to wear is one of the most difficult things someone can do. Telling someone you can’t read a book because it takes too much effort, too much brain power is not only embarrassing but a headfuck in itself.  Go on just have a drink, come on eat it – you can throw it up, come on just cut a few times… these words are my kryptonite and though I’ve mentioned other issues the reason I focused more on self-harm to write about was because its still one of the most shamed acts, labelled as either teenage rebellion or weakness – by people with fragile egos and fragile minds themselves. Self-harm is not a cry for attention, its no less important than other disorders and its certainly not for the weak – people who can’t quite commit suicide.  Over the years I’ve come to terms with my own mental health and the sad fact that there will always be ignorance but how to break that down is by living a normal, happy life because as much as its reported not to be living with a mental disorder and/or issues is very much possible. Sure, there are bad days and they just happen to be worse than the average persons, but they make the good days that much more special, you truly appreciate the good times when you’ve seen the darkest. 

This is the list of things that helped me, my ok’s and I want to share them as well as remind you (and me) that recovery is different for everyone, there is no right, or wrong way and one good day doesn’t mean it’s over but neither does a bad day.  Its ok to hide sometimes. Family or friend, its ok to tell them they’re a toxic arsehole – you have the right to walk away.  Whatever you need to do to get better is ok – duvet days included.  Its ok to relapse -  But it’s not ok to stay there. Its ok (and a damn right) to feel proud of yourself, to love yourself, to take care of yourself the best way that works for you, to stick up for yourself –  Its ok to forgive yourself. Practice what YOU preach and take your own bloody advice! (ok that one might just be for me.)  And lastly, never forget that you are worthy of help, love, and ultimately you are worthy of recovery and happiness.